★ Brayden Jay Hawkes

★ Brayden Jay Hawkes ★

I feel so lost without our special little boy our hearts have been broken forever. He was our long awaited & very much wanted precious son.
He was so very brave and strong. His name even means brave . x x x
His mummy and daddy are so proud of him, miss him terribly and wish he was here.

I was so happy I was pregnant, and we were both over the moon when we found out. We then went for our scan around 20 weeks and that’s when we found out Brayden had a condition called congenital diaphragmatic hernia. We were devastated, the consultant explained that Brayden had a hole in his diaphragm and that his stomach had gone up into chest, restricting his lung growth. She said that it is a very serious condition and that he could have other things wrong with him. We came home in shock and very upset. We decided to have amniocentesis test and thankfully there was nothing else wrong with our son. We were then referred to Birmingham Women’s hospital, I had regular scans (even MRI scan) and they said that Brayden had a good chance of survival 70% because his liver had stayed below his diaphragm which was one less thing restricting his lung growth. This was the most positive news we had been given and we started to feel things were looking brighter for our little boy.

After a difficult labour and needing an emergency Caesarean Section our son was born 17.11.07 11.11 am. I was so scared and worried about our little boy, he did a little cry when born which we didn’t expect with him struggling to breathe. They took him down to the neonatal unit and put him on the ventilator. I was taken to the recovery room and I was in shock, I wanted to go to my baby but couldn’t because I had an epidural and couldn’t move my legs. Adam went down to see him and he took some pictures to show me, he looked gorgeous even though he had lots of wires over him.
I finally got to see my little boy at about 11pm, the consultant said that Brayden wasn’t responding well to the treatment he was given but thankfully he started to improve. My heart went in my stomach being told that, I couldn’t even think about losing him yet! He was so gorgeous and chubby; no wonder I couldn’t get him out! I could never describe the horrible feeling of seeing your baby so helpless; all I wanted to do was give him a cuddle. The tears started flowing everyday, I kept praying please let him get better.
He started to improve nearly everyday and was stable enough to have his operation. We were then transferred to Birmingham Childrens Hospital.
He pulled through his operation and they started to wake him up slowly. This would be the time when Brayden would need to be his strongest. It was lovely to see his big eyes, and to stroke his soft skin. He would grab my fingers and I didn’t want to let go. We talked to him all the time, telling him how brave and strong he is, and that he would get loads of cuddles of kisses when better. Brayden was doing most of his own breathing and doing really well. He was started to gag on his tube down his throat and being sick, it was so distressing to see my baby like this but the nurses said it was normal. He would do his silent cry and frown, I felt so helpless. The nurses then decided to change his ventilation tube to go down his nose, it would be better for Brayden and be more comfortable. This is when Brayden started to take steps back.

Brayden was now back on all his machines from when he was first born, we knew that this wasn’t good but we always tried to stay positive. The doctors kept saying it’s unusual for him to be doing so well and then to be really poorly, they had taken samples to check for infection. It was heartbreaking to see Brayden so poorly, he looked so pale and fed up.

We then had the horrible call on 30.11.07 at 2.36am saying that Brayden had got even worse. We rushed over to the hospital, I felt so sick my heart was racing. His stats were the lowest we had ever seen, I think by then we knew we were going to lose him. We had him christened; he was taken of his ventilator and went asleep in our arms.

We later found out that Brayden had pneumonia, it was the worst infection he could have got with having poorly lungs anyway. I keep thinking if he didn’t get this he would still be here today.

We love and miss him so much, he was only with us for 13 days but will be forever in our hearts.

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'A Pair of Shoes'

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child